Let's Talk About Bitching.

I'll be your guide through this 7th circle of Hell.

I bitch a lot. It's true, I won't deny it. I don't do it purposely, but my way of coping with anything that has my feathers in a ruffle is to run, find someone who is preferably trapped alone with me (kitchen, garage, stall in a public restroom) and pour my melodramatic heart out. Once it's officially out there and, depending on its magnitude (or how many pitchers of wine I've thrown back) I had a pathetic cry, I'm good to go. It's cathartic for me.

For those who have known me for years and have been through this nonsense, typically it goes something like this:

Me: Bitch bitch, the WORLD is ENDING! Bitch bitch bitch, are you even listening? Do you EVEN CARE ABOUT WHAT I'M TELLING YOU?!?

Them: Well what about this [insert logical explanation/choice]? That won't work? How about this one? You'll get through this!

Me: WHAT?!? Bitch bitch psychotic babbling (dramatic hand motions)

Them: Ooookay (getting frustrated) I'm sure everything will be fine.

Me: No! It won't be fine! I'm so overwhelmed I just...my heart, the stress...(clutches chest and gasps for air).

[Dies.]

End scene.


My husband is still getting used to these antics. Every time I start spinning into a a  meltdown, I can tell he starts panicking. Unfortunately, I'm so warped with my own sense of urgency I can't throw him a frickin' bone and the poor guy has to try and fight, tooth and nail, to escape the black hole in Hades in which he finds himself.

However, today, that man found the Emergency Escape Route I Never Knew I Had.

Me: Bitch bitch, TOTALLY FREAKING OUT, bitching.

Him: Maybe logic? Listening? Over the top compliments?

Me: NOO! ROOOOAbitchAAARRRR!!

Him: Hey, honey? I just sent you a link. Click on it for a second.

Me: Grrr...fine....

[Playing Puppy Video aka My Personal Heaven and Birthday Wish X 1000]

Him: Honey?

Me: Eeeeee! I love them! Look at all the little fur with their little baby feet...and

Him: (wipes forehead, sends up a quick thank-you to Jesus)

Truly, my husband is a miracle sent down to save all of you from the Heinous Bitch I Could Have Been (and Sometimes Am When Talking to Verizon's Customer Service).

Snow.

For your enjoyment, my brother shoveling off the roof. 

=

MilSpouse Friday Fill-In

You know what I love? 

Bandwagons.

1. What do you usually want to know about someone when meeting them for the first time?

When first meeting someone, I want to know their sense of humor. If it's a potential friend, this will pretty much decide how the relationship is going to go; if it's a co-worker, it indicates how professional or informal I can be; and if it's a student, I pray to Jesus it's similar to mine because it makes it a heck of a lot more fun if we can crack jokes sometimes.

2. Would you rather know everything about your spouse, or be regularly surprised?

My husband is CONSTANTLY surprising me! I love that, when talking about previous jobs, he said "Well, when I was a line cook at a 50's diner..." or, when talking about law enforcement and criminal punishment he threw out, "Well, when I was chasing someone and he opened fire on me..."

WHAT?!? Who are you? I love it. 

3. If you could live in one city for the rest of your life, where would you live?

Oh God, so hard. I would probably say Boston. I grew up in Massachusetts so it's familiar, but I love the history and the emphasis on education. It's a city that feels like a town and I think the Irish/Italian cultural mix would fit me (a mick) and my husband (dago) perfectly.

4. When you go out of town, what one material thing do you ALWAYS take?

Toothbrush + Camera. Equally necessary to my survival and general sense of well-being.

5. Using no more than 10 nouns, and ONLY nouns, describe yourself.

Redhead, wife, teacher, photographer, reader, studier, over-analyzer, adventurer, independent, traveler.

Mini Success!

Ok, I know this isn't a huge number but I am psyched!

In the 10-ish days I've been using MyPlate, I've lost 5.4lbs!

Yay!

When my husband last saw me, I had been stressing out and had gained some weight. Since then, my goal was to lose 28 lbs. (which would put me back to high school cheerleading days. And before you hate me because of the whole cheer thing, I was not one of those stick-thin girls running around with her skirt in a twist. Scout's honor.)

Sorry about the tangent.

ANYWAY, 28lb. goal.

I have lost 13.4lbs so far!

Yay yay yay!

P.S. I just realized. I'm talking about getting as thin as I was in high school, which was 10 YEARS AGO. That's so mother freakin' weird.

Heroin Chic

You know what?

I think there's a big part of me that kinda liked being poor. It feels like something to do, not really something I am.

For example, well-off people don't really have to think about money. They like something, they want it, they generally get it. It's very simple, really. Now, us poor people? It's always a battle of wits: you vs. the fridge, you vs. the gas tank, you vs. basic hygiene. You open that fridge and you see French's mustard, weeks-old macaroni and cheese in Tupperware and a shriveled lime: who will win? Will I scrounge up enough money to put more crap in there, thereby winning? Or will it be the florescent-lit empty fridge, smugly sitting there giving me the evil eye?

See? It's a game! I don't always win, but I feel like I'm getting better at it; getting smarter. I handle cash better now than I ever have and I think ahead because if that gas tank thinks it's gonna win by getting so empty I can't get to work, it has another thing coming. I will push that motherf*cking car if it comes down to it.

Am I really poor? I don't think so, not now. Poor, like Oliver Twist-type poor, is when you literally don't have anywhere to turn and there's no way to get more money. When I first moved down to Oklahoma with J, we were extremely low on funds, but we loved each other and had supportive family members give us a few bucks here and there when they knew we were sinking. After a couple months I got a job and things eased up considerably. Now, we're....eh, so-so but a heck of a lot better than where we were at. I mean, seriously.

This was our apartment at the beginning (and then the end) of our year in Oklahoma:

One of J's friends told us we lived "heroin chic". 

Look at that poor boy, snuggling with his dog for love/warmth. I mean, this picture was taken a day or two before he shipped out and we had sold EVERYTHING because I had suddenly decided to move back in with my parents, but still. I'd say this is a fair representation of what it looked like in the beginning.

I know money is a taboo subject and I'm sorry if it makes people uncomfortable; it's just that, I actually really miss that beginning. I miss dinners on the floor, talking and laughing and J telling me that everything I made was delicious. I miss laughing while he tickled me on the floor because, hey, we didn't have TV so we had to make our own fun.

And we did have fun; we laughed, played, talked, planned, giggled, raced, kissed, and loved each other completely. Money was the only thing we didn't have. But honestly? It didn't matter.

Life was a love song.

Boudoir Bootcamp

I have decided.

This has nothing to do with resolutions and all that crap, because frankly, I believe resolutions are only good for breaking and then feeling guilty/euphoric.

It just happens, coincidentally, that I am now trying to get healthier.

Am I eating better? Thank you, MyPlate.

Am I working on my fitness? You bet my soon-to-be-smaller behind I am.

Right now I'm tracking my calories, sodium, protein, carbs, etc. with the SUPER easy to use MyPlate website, which basically just sets up the recommended amount/percentages and then all you have to do is put in whatever you ate and it figures it all out. So easy.

I have also been going to this gym and have decided that I want to be one of those people that actually runs on the treadmill. Now, I have always been of the opinion that running is only good if someone is running after you (see: freeze tag or serial killers).

I read this magazine article (Shape? Women's Health? Cosmo?) a hundred years ago and apparently it finally got through to me now. Basically, it said that if you want to start running, all you have to do is add one minute per day. In 30 days, you'll be able to run 30 minutes! So far I've been kinda doing that, so now I'm up to 15 minutes of half-assed jogging. However, I feel pretty good about it.

Ok, now, the reasons behind this.

A) I want to be healthier and feel better in my body.
B) I will be turning 26 soon and I figure I only have a few more years before I'm no longer in my prime.
C) My husband will be coming home at some point and I'd like to have him running towards, not away from, me.

and...

D) I am getting boudoir photos done in March.

(Um, clearly that is not me. I would be photoshop's b*tch.)

Before you judge (and it's fine, I totally would, too, but then I'd be all secretly jealous and it would turn into a world of psychological melodrama) J asked for them! He was kinda joking/kinda serious, but I'm thinking he was only joking to see my reaction.

Won't he be surprised when he finds that his good, "respectable" (his words, there) wife is sending him outlandishly inappropriate photos?

HA HAH HAH HAHA HA.

Happy 1 Year Anniversary, honey!

Top 10 Travel Wish List

My mother and I were talking this morning about Branson, MO. She has decided to go and pretend to look at timeshares in order to get a free mini-vacation. We got into a somewhat heated debate about where, in fact, Missouri is in our great nation.

(Just in case you need the reference...)

From there we started talking about travel and things we want to do; she wants to go mining for gemstones in the Carolinas, I want to go to a cowboy ranch in Wyoming or Montana. Why? Why the hell not? I feel like it would make a good story, which is pretty much the reason that has propelled me to do basically everything in my adult life. (Well, not getting married, but frankly, he's such a character that it just fits right in.)

So. To get myself organized for any possible upcoming adventures, it feel it prudent to create a-

TOP 10 TRAVEL (TO-DO) WISH LIST*

1. Barbados

Here's what I like about it: 

-Beach

-Gorgeous

-Can get all-inclusive for a lot less than Jamaica, Aruba, etc.

-Rihanna's island of origin

Not so thrilled:

-Ummmm...it's not really impressive, you know? People won't say, "Oh, wow, Barbados!" It'll be looped into the Aruba/Bahamas/typical beach fare. Not that this is really important, but it's the only negative I could come up with here.

2. Greece

Here's what I like about it: 

-History

-Culture

-Food

-Variety of landscapes

-Island-hopping

-It's mother-effin Greece

Not so thrilled:

-Cost

-These people take vacations whenever the hell they want and hours can be erratic

-I've been told the streets in Athens, because of the stone used, are slippery-isn't that weird?

3. Kenya

Here's what I like about it: 

-Adventurous

-Never done anything like it

-New continent

-Animals

-Photo-safari!

-This picture reminds me of the Lion King

Not so thrilled:

-Cost

-I'm thinking visa/passport stuff will be a total pain

-I picture a lot of sweating

Could go either way:

-It seems like a trip when, coming home, I would be really excited that I survived

4. Alaska

Here's what I like about it: 

-Beautiful, cool, clean

-Cruise and land tour

-Animals

-Scenery

-Photo-safari!

Not so thrilled:

-Cost, and not like the other ones where I get they need to be pricey- why is going to Alaska so expensive? Come on, now.

-Most trips include a 1-2 day transfer in Seattle. I don't know why this annoys me; I do want to see Seattle at some point, but something about this really bothers me. Hmm.

5. Machu Picchu, Peru

Here's what I like about it: 

-Spiritual

-History

-Hiking

-Natives have gerbil cuy on the menu, an animal I dislike

-Can easily segue into other trips in the city/surrounding area

Not so thrilled:

-This is the trip that I've always wanted to do, but I procrastinate, which means I will travel anywhere and everywhere before I ever actually get to this place. I picture this as my "trip that got away". 

6. Egypt

Here's what I like about it: 

-History

-Architecture

-Mysticism

-Camels

-Exotic

Not so thrilled:

-Camels spit and smell bad, so I've heard

-I expect Cairo to be the top spot as the "place I will most likely be pick-pocketed" on my list

-There are enormous bugs that would seriously make me buzz cut my hair to avoid having any get tangled up so close to my face

7. Australia

Here's what I like about it: 

-In a Sunburned Country by Bill Bryson

"...I encountered the startling fact that in 1967 the prime minister, Harold Holt, was strolling along a beach in Victoria when he plunged into the surf and vanished. This seemed...astounding to me...that Australia could just lose a prime minister..." (italics are the author's own).

-Snorkeling/Scuba

-Beaches

-Culture

-Nightlife

Not so thrilled:

-Expense, obviously

-Long flight

-Unless staying in one city, really the only logical way to get around is by plane since the major cities are so far apart

8. Scotland

Here's what I like about it: 

-also, my best friend from college studied in Edinburgh and had nothing but brilliant things to say about it; she also returned home with a drinking problem

Not so thrilled:

-Cold and damp

-I studied in Ireland, so I would be let down if they turned out to be basically the same and it was a not-so-exciting trip

9. Russia

Here's what I like about it: 

-Architecture

-History

-I'm kind of scared of Russians since they're always the bad guys in 80's movies

-I was constantly assumed to be a Russian prostitute when I taught in South Korea- some of the native prostitutes around J's base were really mean to me before they found out I was American. 

-It's cold enough that I could wear a really furry hat and one of those little hand-muff things and feel old-world glamorous

Not so thrilled:

-I don't picture Russians being extremely outgoing and friendly

-They might assume I'm a prostitute

10. Continental U.S.

Well, duh.

Honorable Mention: Iceland

Ooohh, geothermal spas!


* J refers to this type of color/font as my "spam mail" typeface.