I May Hate Teaching.

I am having an existential crisis. Not really, but it does often feel like my world is caving in lately. I'm glad I'm typing this, because I honestly don't think I could say it out loud and therefore make it a legitimate part of my day-to-day life.

I think I hate my job.

I started the year working for a school in the special education department, anxious to get an opportunity to finally take on a classroom in my home state and see how I made out. I applied on a whim for a part-time position in my secondary field (history) and, surprise, got it! They even made it full time because they liked me! The tricky part is that I'm entering the school in the middle of the year, the teacher I'm replacing joined administration so she's still in the building which I think makes some of the kids not sure how to deal with a new person. Also, this is a small school but it is surrounded by very large, very tough cities. The school has no money and looks it and during my interview, they told me there's a very high turnover rate. On top of that, the most difficult students were given to the teacher I'm replacing because she knew them and knew how to control the classroom. I was also told that my honors class is not really honors, my college prep class is more like a special ed class, and the class I teach in "The Trailer" is a smattering of students not able to handle mainstream classes.

It. Is. Rough.

Honestly, I thought I totally knew that I wanted to be a teacher and that I was a good teacher. I did know that classroom management is my area to improve, but I truly thought that my patience, belief that any student can learn, and the fact that I am slow to anger or frustration would help me do just fine.

Instead, I dread going to school every morning. I know that every class is going to be a battle with at least a couple students. Cell phones are a major issue in the school and most teachers have given up, meaning that a lot of the kids are texting while the teacher is giving a lecture. Basically every student has something awful going on at home, so my sympathy wars with my attempt to be firm and set high standards.

Also disconcerting, I think a few of them can't really read. These are upper level high school students and, when I asked the honors to write 2-3 paragraphs for homework, those who even did it had an almost impossible time. One girl said that she just wrote one long paragraph because her English teacher usually helps her split them into sections. This is honors. This girl is not on an IEP.
How could this happen? I've seen the 7th grade social studies teacher in action and the kids seem good to go. What has happened where they've declined? Or how else can I make sense of this?

Any thoughts/feedback would be great. I want to teach them well, but it's been a really uphill battle.

Debt (Dec. 2012)

 

Checking in!

$2,500 (Credit Card)
$5,853.04 (C Car Loan)
$7,357.78 (J Car Loan)
$791.66 (J Previous Car Loan)
$867.58 (J Personal Loan)
$2,518.88 (J Gov't Loan)



TOTAL:  $19,888.94

Result: Decreased debt by $1,419.37 this month.

I was hoping to be a little more aggressive, but we went big on Christmas gifts for each other this year. We don't usually do huge gifts for every occassion but when we do, we go big.

 

We got a stipend for student loans through his program and he thought I used it to pay bills. Instead, that man is now the proud owner of his very own Snap-on tool box.

These things are a necessity for mechanics and they are (along with all the tools he'll be needing) extremely expensive. He got me several items I love including jewelry, perfume, and a sweet SkyPen.

I have been wanting one of these for a while! It is a pen that records audio as well as whatever it is you are writing and then can display it as a video online. I'm not quite sure how everything works yet, but I really want to figure out a way to use it in the classroom. Pumped!

It was basically the biggest Christmas ever. Again, in years past we haven't given each other gifts at all. In fact, his birthday was in December and we had decided no gifts. We don't do anything on our anniversary, either. This was just the year, apparently, that we went for the splurge.

Also, I'll be flying to visit my friend in a couple weeks and we paid for the ticket this month as well. All in all, I think we did ok with the debt considering how many other details came into play this month. Plus, the world was supposed to end, so I was probably a little lax. Ya know.

GOAL

 Pay off everything except J's car loan by June 2013!

20th Century Christmas

 

 

Care Bears and My Little Pony!

Image source: MoneySupermarket;

Debt (November Check-in)

In the interest of my sanity and well-being, I think I'll skip the student loans since they're horrific. Instead, here's where we're at on our other debt.

$2,490 (Credit Card)
$6,560 (C Car Loan)
$7,793 (J Car Loan)
$879 (J Previous Car Loan on a Lemon- so no car, but still got the payment)
$1,050 (J Personal Loan)
$2,697(J Gov't Loan)



TOTAL: (roughly) $21,469

Result: Decreased debt by $1,312 this month.

Woo-hoo! Honestly, any decrease is good. I'm aiming to pay down $2000 per month against our debt. This month I focused in on J's previous car loan because it drives me insane to pay on a vehicle that is no good to us. It only lasted a few months before it fell apart and we're still left with a payment. (Note for the future: Never buy anything from a family member; it muddies the waters.)

I'm hopeful that by the end of the summer we'll have the pretty much all of this paid off so we can decrease our monthly bills. I am always worried about our financial future and want to wittle down this number so if either of us lost our jobs we would be a little less screwed.

Speaking of jobs, J recently got a new job! He made some great connections through his school and was pulled into a meeting of the institute board and offered a position from a major company. I'm so proud of him! Now he goes to school from 6:30am - 12:30pm, drives straight to work, and doesn't clock out until 9pm or so. He has a tough schedule and is exhausted, but he will graduate this summer and has a very promising career at the company.

ALSO, I was offered a full-time teaching job! I just gave my notice at my current school and at my babysitting job. I am SO happy to be going back into a classroom! It's so competitive to get a job in education in this area and the school seems like such a perfect fit for me. I can't wait!

So, all in all, things are going really well. The problem for me is that, ever since returning to my hometown, I have put immense pressure on myself to finally get my act together. Before, I always felt like I was still adventuring and living a temporary life. On top of that, we never made any kind of money that would allow us to save or make plans; we lived paycheck-to-paycheck. Now that we're starting to "settle down" I'm crazy about getting out from under this debt, specifically my student loans. I feel guilty and can feel them constantly weighing me down. I'm like these guys:

(Marley Brothers from The Muppets' Christmas Carol- one of my holiday favorites!)

 

If and when J and I ever have children, and if and when those children decide to go to college, I'm packing them off to Canada to become residents and get college for free/cheap.

 

 

Ya Filthy Animal

One of my closest friends, Miss Nanselle, has, for as long as I've known her, wanted to be a part of a hijinks-laden crime duo. She wants to be a part of Home Alone's "Wet Bandits", Part Deux.

 

Which is why I REALLY want to get her this for Christmas.

Humbling.

My husband and I are lying around on the couch today watching terrible science fiction/conspiracy shows. We have built a nest out of our duvet and blankets and J, me, and the dog are all nuzzled up together.

Thanksgiving was wonderful, and now we're exhausted and taking a holiday after the holiday.

As we were lying here, he blurted, "You know what I'm thankful for? That we will never eat from black and yellow cans."

J remembers eating from these cans, which were the cheapest options available. (He calls it "welfare food".) They also had friends with farms who allowed him to come and pick food since they knew he couldn't afford it. He will say he had a great childhood and, in the same breath, talk about being poor.

I'm thankful for my husband, who humbles me and makes me stop, get my head out of the rat race, and appreciate our life.

Playing possibilities.

My husband and I got into a brawl yesterday over whether or not we should have a Saigon-inspired party in our future home in our future life.

 

Sometimes we really have the most ridiculous fights.

 

It started when we went to see Skyfall (I'm new to James Bond movies, but I definitely recommend). Of course, being James Bond, the main character ends up in all these exotic locations during wonderfully exotic things. At one point he has a chat with a vamp (Berenice Marlohe) in an old-world Chinese casino.

 

 

(I want to be this woman. Beautiful, no?)

 

So anyway, this is the inspiration:

 

 

 

Wouldn't it be ridiculously fun to have a dinner party with this theme? I would post paper lanterns at different heights around our (someday) yard, serve Asian-inspired hors d'oevres, play mandolin music in the background, etc.

He was already getting annoyed with this because he's more of a barbecue/tailgate kind of guy. What really pushed him over the edge is when I mulled over the idea of making one of those homemade shallow pools that people do here in the winter so it'll freeze and their kids can skate. Instead of the skating rink, I basically wanted a rigged up puddle where we could float lanterns.

Like this, but a puddle instead of an ocean.

He yelled that he doesn't want to have to create a faux ice skating rink on his one day off to "have other people come over to enjoy all our stuff" and suggested we save money on a couple of these parties and just go to China ourselves.

Honestly, I'm not opposed to any argument that ends up with my husband suggesting international travel.

Someday, we are either going on a hypothetical trip or having a possible party.

I will let you know how this turns out in, I'm guessing, 5 years.