Freak out.

I am completely freaking out.

J is supposed to be home on leave THIS AFTERNOON!

I am so excited to see him, but I have been trying to plan some major surprises, so actually, I have a lot of anxiety. I don't know if I can pull everything off, and I'll be so upset with myself if I can't. I can't even express how much I'm freaking out.

Add to that the fact that I've gained a few pounds since I last saw him and my skin has gone crazy, and I'm a royal mess. (I do blame some of this on skipping my period and just going onto the next month's pack-don't judge.)

So anyway, I'm scattered, all over the place, so nervous I kinda wish I could just throw up.

Wish me luck (and sanity!)

I miss my husband.

I miss my husband.

I miss just being with him and talking about the minutiae of our everydays, discussing for an hour what it is we may want to do with a Saturday, or bringing the dog with us while we get ice cream just because we want it.

I miss talking to him about anything other than bills or things I need to do/errands I need to run for both of us. The word "dollar" has become a dirty word to me; I wish we didn't have to talk about it all the time because we're worlds away from one another.

I miss the way he will dance to make me laugh, how excited he used to get about barbecuing on our tiny little grill and, after he had fallen asleep on the couch, waking him up by reaching for his hand so he'd come to bed with me at night. I miss his sleepy face that is just the cutest, saddest, most perfect face.

I can't wait to see him on his leave...in about a week!

YES! YES! YES!

Please, Jesus, I just really want to see him for a little bit. He'll be my own little library book- I know it's just a loan, but I still would like to check him out! (Wink wink!)

Apple Picking & Dreamboat Watching

Yesterday was a nature day I'm thinking. First, we went to Garden in the Woods for light hiking. It's exactly what it sounds like- you drive up the winding narrow pathway to find a large man-made garden with trails throughout the surrounding woods. It was very pretty but probably something to try again during the spring, so as to see everything in bloom.

Then we went apple picking! I haven't done this in ages.

I love the smell of an apple orchard in the middle of the day. The sun warms up the apples that have spilled to the ground and there's a very light scent of fresh warm apples everywhere. It's heavenly.

Lastly, went to Patriot's Place in Foxborough, (home of the New England Patriots!), to see Inception. Definitely worth all the hype-it was smart and visually stunning with a perfectly selected cast. If you have not seen it, it's definitely worth it. Top two favorite scenes: zero gravity fight scene and expertly-played last scene. I guess some people thought it was really confusing, but I thought it was pretty understandable...? Although in the ladies' room after the movie, two girls were saying they had a tough time with it. However, they had extremely thick accents and it was very obvious that English was not their first language. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is it's probably pretty confusing if there's a language barrier.

And when did Joseph Gordon-Levitt become such a dreamboat? Never saw that coming from his 3rd Rock from the Sun days.

You Capture: Signs

This week, the project is "Signs". Not gonna lie, I struggled with this one but I'm going to put up the results anyway, just to keep me motivated.

This was on one of the pathways at Garden in the Woods, winding past a lily pond and through a meadow.

I love this farm; everything about it is picturesque to me.

Note: This is a crappy photo, but honestly, it just cracked me up.

"Sniff Dawg- In Rear".

Ha!

Plans

I am absolutely, 100% and unapologetically a planner.

I. PLAN. EVERYTHING.

Clearly, the military and I are going to be at odds pretty much always. I have definitely learned the hard way that the army is not his other woman- *I* am the other woman. And I know, I know, I need to learn to relax, go with the flow, re-assess my own life plans/goals/ambitions because I walked into this deal with my eyes open.

But I'm sorry, I'm bitter. Bitter about canceling our wedding, bitter about the 9 flights (so far) that I have had to cancel but am still paying for on my credit card. Bitter enough to get p*ssed and make sure I don't abandon everything I wanted to be because I'm an Army wife. I'm worried about looking at my life in 10 years and wondering where *I* am in it.

I know this is not what I'm supposed to be saying, and truly I think that I do try to smooth out every transition and obstacle that comes up and be the supportive one. I know that everything I am writing/feeling is MilSpouse heresy, and I do have guilt. Believe me.

It's just...I had really, really big dreams. I really, really wanted Yale for a PhD based on my love of history or the history of literature. That's (on average) a 6.7 year commitment, and a whole inconceivable amount of money to invest. I wanted to be a professor at a top-notch school, leading a scholarly-type existence where I got to teach and learn, have in-depth conversations with other faculty, publish incredibly insightful dissertations, push myself every single day.

For better or worse, that dream is out. And it's weird to say that, because this is the first time I've really felt a door close in my life. I know it happens the older you get and the more forks you have in the road, but I definitely felt this door slam.

Well, it's time to pull myself up by my bra straps, as Nana would say. I AM going to have at least two higher degrees, and since it can't happen exactly where I would like, I'll just challenge myself in another way.

This whole morning I sat down and figured this out- in the next three years, I will have (1) certificate program completed, (1) Master's in Education, and (1) Master's in Educational Leadership at a school at the base I'm pretty sure we'll be stationed at. If I only get one master's I can deal with that (for now) and I've told J I really don't want to get into baby-making mode before I get 2 out of 3.

He just kind of half-listens and at the end of it says, "It'll work out."

Damn right it will.

Come hell or high water.

Puppy Love

My pup's best friend is a horse.

We met him while taking a somewhat leisurely, somewhat frantic walk down the street 2 weeks ago. About five minutes from my house there are a bunch of really cute farms with generally one cow, a couple sheep, a handful of chickens.

One of these farms has three beautiful horses. The black and white share the same field, while a lonely chestnut one is fenced in by himself. I don't know why; seems friendly to me.

Q loves animals- in Oklahoma I had to chase him through prairie dog towns pretty frequently because he tried to get his snout up in their homes all the time. So when he saw the horse, immediately he had to go befriend him.

Look at him! He's so cute!

Now, on all of our walks, Q has figured out that if he scrambles up and gets himself wedged in the rock wall right outside the fence he gets to sit there with his friend. They enjoy licking each other in the snout, sniffing one another's ears, and Q sits by while his friend eats some grass.

It's love.

Meatball-flavored grapes.

I'm having grapes for breakfast.

"What the h*ll are these? What the f*ck kind of grapes are these?"- Dad (swears like a sailor. Actually, no, my brother's navy and Dad's definitely worse than him...)

"Whaddya mean? They're green. They're grapes. They're green grapes, Dad."- Me

(shaking her head while organizing her bills) -Mum

So I'm having those grapes for breakfast today...and they taste like lasagne.

Which means it's party time! Whenever my parents host a party (Labor Day!), they cram so much food in the fridge that everything begins to taste like everything else.

I'm not sure why that is, since most of it has been tinfoiled, but whatever. It makes these grapes taste...very filling. Like little meatballs.