Serfdom

Good news today: Took a pregnancy test just to confirm and it was negative. I can't even think about bringing a kid into our situation.

Bad news today: I have officially gained 10lbs. since moving here and we got a bill from the IRS on our 2011 taxes. I believe that was the year J's military buddy who *claimed* tax experience handled our return. We now owe $612.

And another $800 for this year's filing.

And the government charged J for an "overpayment" on the military bonus he received when he first joined the military, which currently has a balance of $2,400.

We owe the gov't $3812.

Also, just looked at my student loans. In the past three months, we have paid $2,728. My balance has only gone down $743.25.

My job is unstable, he'll be out of school in the summer which means no more BAH payments and the loans will kick in.

I thought living here would mean that we would really be able to make a dent in our financial burden, but I really can't see a way out. I don't even think we could afford to get an apartment anywhere, never mind the pipe dream of someday owning our own home or having a family.

I don't know that I'm making any kind of difference in my job, I don't talk to friends anymore because I'm always so stressed or exhausted, my family relationships are becoming worse by being so close...

Honestly, thank God for my husband and my dog because otherwise, right now, this life feels like it was wasted on me. I feel beaten down and a thousand years old and I hate everything. All I can see is that the rest of my life will be dedicated to struggling to get by and by the time we see light we'll have nothing to show for it.

There is a difference beween being poor and being in debt. Being poor, there's some hope that a lucky break or working a little harder could help you break out. Being in debt is modern-day serfdom, where I am supposed to work and work and work for someone else's gain for, in my case, another 20 years. I will be around 45 before I will feel like I'm allowed to even look up.

I wish I had known this before going to college. I know that it was my mistake, but I honestly did not understand how loans worked, how much the bill would be, nothing. I truly didn't get it at all and I was too stuck in the peer pressure of what school you went to being a mark of how good you are and how successful it would make you. I just had no idea the reality of the situation when I signed into debt slavery.

It. never. ends.

It never ends.