The last time I posted, I think I was in some sort of psychological/emotional breakdown. Since then, my husband and I kissed (metaphorically) and made up, so it's all good, baby.
The good of it is, (other than being back to happy, clearly) is that I learned that my dog has taught himself how to pet people.
This may be kind of weird, but really, it's very comforting and hilarious. When he senses I'm upset, he has learned a new trick: he takes his paw, puts it lightly on the center of my forehead, and pets down my nose.
Speaking of the dog-o, he just watched me put socks on, which in his mind means we're going on an adventure.
The husband is coming home at some point in the very near to kinda near-ish range.
Coincidentally, I've become a whole bag of nut job.
I think every military spouse goes through a lot of emotional hoops when the deployed spouse returns: the nervousness about hair, skin, nails, weight, how we'll act with one another, if he'll still be attracted to me, blah blah blah. I don't know about anyone else, but I also have a thing about wanting to have a "nest" set and ready to go for him when he arrives home. I don't know if it's a woman thing or what, but I have this drive from somewhere deep down (my ovaries?) that just makes it imperative that there is some kind of home in which I can care for my little family.
Issue: I will be heading out to Oklahoma in a week and there's a possibility that the apartment may not be secured before I can get there in person. I really need to decorate the hell out of something and if I don't buy curtains soon I'm worried about what I'll do. Options played out in my mind so far: a) tattoo b) Avril Lavigne-esque eye makeup for my everyday look, or c) causing a traffic accident. (Welcome to Crazy Town! As Mayor, I'm proud to welcome you to our rapidly expanding little city!)
I'm also leaving my job and once you've put in your two weeks, you really drag your feet, ya know? I mean, I will absolutely miss my kids and co-workers but I've already started to check out. I'm worried about finding a job back in Oklahoma because last I heard, there was a major hiring freeze. Not. Awesome.
On the plus side, my brother is coming home from training tomorrow and so I'll get to see him for a week before I head out. He's going to be deploying a little later this year so it's possible this is the last time I see him before he heads out.
There are a million other things going on right now (when it rains, it pours!) and I know it's affecting J and I. We have been fighting a lot lately. Some of it is legit stuff. Some of it is just plain freaking out stress, which I didn't totally get until this afternoon. J and I got into a massive argument. In a fight, I never say anything that I don't mean- instead, I tend to get very aggressive and pretty violent in conversations with other people. Anyway, the point being that I never said anything that wasn't true, I just don't think everything needed to be said right now, right before he comes home, and especially as dramatic as it was. Yes, my feelings were/are real, but I absolutely took the freight train to Crazy Town.
Right after we hung up, I watched the last episode of Scrubs, cried hysterically, and then began YouTubing to find a song I would play at my baby's wake, if I ever had a baby and they died in infancy.
I should probably not be allowed out in public for the next couple of days. I've decided to self-medicate what I've diagnosed as situational depression with Disney movies and flavored schnapps. Probably some ice cream.
"One of these days ... one of these days ... Pow! Right in the kisser!"
Right now, this pretty much sums up my feelings on the military. I definitely want to punch it in the face.
Disclaimer: I do not, in fact, hate the military. I understand why schedules are never set in stone- my husband's job is reactionary; because we can't predict what country is going to get dangerous and when, there's no way to know where he'll be in 10 months or 10 days. It's just like a cop can't say where he'll be at during his shift because who knows what convenience store might get robbed or, in the case of The Honeymooners, what house he may have to visit due to a domestic violence call.
All that aside, I'm pretty frantic right now.
Husband is deployed.
Wife moved back in with parents in Massachusetts.
Wife has a full-time job where she is also completing her student internship for her M.Ed.
Husband is coming home early.
This is tricky because I have to complete my internship hours and I already gave my notice with a certain time frame. (I wanted the school to know what was up as soon as I did so I didn't burn any bridges for when we move back up here in a few years.)
Also tricky is that, due to OPSEC, families will not be informed of their soldiers actual return date until the soldiers are already on the flight home. We will only have roughly 12 hours notice but are given a four-week time frame of possible return dates. It means that I need to have an extremely flexible schedule, which is the crux of the problem.
I don't have an extremely flexible schedule.
My dad, great guy that he is, volunteered to drive out with me so we could get there as fast as possible and I just pray he's not getting in even a day early because I don't know how we'll get there in time.
Stress is the word right now, which just hit a new high point on the Richter of scale of Personal Anxiety; unfortunately, the apartment we had set in stone? Not so much. They now say that we have to be in person to sign the lease and they can't accept any rent money or anything since we don't have a legally binding contract. What is especially frustrating is that they ALREADY ACCEPTED MONEY FROM ME and when I had called last week to make sure everything was guaranteed they said yes and then sent a letter saying we were set to move in as of April 1st. It's pretty screwy, but frankly, I really don't understand how Oklahoma works most of the time.
Don't get me wrong, I will be PSYCHED to see my husband. It's just, I can't even imagine it's real yet and I'm focused right now on just wading through these messes that keep popping up this week.