Doubt.

I hate this feeling. That feeling where you know you just feel awful and worried but can't exactly put your finger on what's making you feel this way? (I also get excited sometimes and, when asked when I'm so happy, get really deflated realizing there is actually no good reason for me to be pleased as punch with everything.)

Anyway, so I just had that feeling and it turns out that I'm really doubting my ability to be a good teacher.

Maybe that sounds like not a big deal, but it kills me. I want so much to help students learn and actually get excited about what we talk about. I know not every kid is going to be pumped in every class, but you know what I mean.

My biggest issue is the fact that I loathe confrontation. I am a pale-skinned chicky of Irish descent, so believe me when I say that it is very clear when I am frustrated beyond reason. Redness creeps up my neck and settles all over my face until I'm magenta and sweating in irritation. Luckily I'm not quick to getting pissed off, but I like to avoid it regardless.

So today was the one day of the week I'm in the 8th grade learning center, where students work on homework/past due work/make up tests, etc. I only know the students from my one day a week with them and do not know any of their homework, projects, how they're doing in class, what they have or have not done, etc. So anyway, the woman that runs the center went into a side room with a student who came in to re-take a math test so I was supposed to help/babysit the 8 students remaining. We were fine at first, but it all kind of went to hell in a handbasket once a few of the students had finished all their homework and had nothing else to do.

The problem I have here is, if I don't know what they're doing in class, how do I effectively make students do work that may be due in a few weeks or something when I don't know what it is?

Anyway, so it ended up the other woman had to come out and yell at them and I felt like a huge jerk because I hadn't forced them to do the extra work but let them go on the computer and play on Google Earth once they had finished their daily homework.

This seems like such a small thing, but I honestly worry if I'm investing too much (time, money, my entire life) on a career path I don't know if I'm fit to be in.

Ugh. Help?

Special Education, Laser Hair Removal, and Flammable Power Lines.

Ok.

I'm not sure if I've really mentioned this before, but I absolutely love working in education. I don't want to be cheesy and say "I love working with kids" because honestly, I'm really not the most enthusiastic babysitter. (Actually I am, but only once I'm already there. The several days before when I get the call? Not thrilled and I always feel like somehow I've been tricked into signing myself up, and then I'm pretty annoyed with those parents and hate them, but then I remember they're actually my cousins so I can't because it would be awkward at parties.)

Teaching is totally different. I love watching kids think, hearing them express themselves and try out ideas, stretch their brains in uncomfortable ways because they're on the verge of a comprehension breakthrough. I get excited, and while I'm normally pretty lethargic, I am a psychopath of frantic, joyous energy in front of a classroom.

Since moving up to Massachusetts, I've been working in special education, which I've never done before. I work with small groups in private classrooms, observe and help out in inclusion classes, and have at least one period per day where I'm working in the learning center helping kids understand and complete assignments.

Really, the two skills I found to be the most important are patience and flexibility. I repeat myself, the teacher, the directions, etc. constantly to kids that have trouble focusing on the work or their teacher, or struggle just to be able to meet eyes with another person.

One of the students I see everyday has autism. You know what he said to me today, in the middle of a crowded, chaotic, and very loud hallway? All by himself, without anyone prompting him?

He said, "Hi Mrs. D!"

And he looked directly at me.

That felt pretty awesome.

I have absolutely no transition for this, other than the fact that it, too, will be happening today.

I am getting laser hair removal today. I have been stalking the Living Social website for years and occasionally find some good deals. A couple months ago they had laser hair removal (3 sessions!) for $99, which was just too good a bargain to pass up. So I'm going tonight for my first appointment and I'm a little nervous. Is this going to be painful? I did extensive research on YouTube but I think I blocked everything out because now I can't remember what exactly they're going to do. (TMI: I wouldn't be so concerned, but I opted for the "Brazilian", which is something in itself I don't totally understand as I've never actually had one. Or known anyone who [admitted they] had one.)

In the meantime, we have a scanner in our kitchen because my dad's a volunteer firefighter so we need to hear the police/fire/ambulance calls. Anyway, that loud as Hell harbinger of bad news has been squawking about the road I live on being closed down at some point soon. Apparently, the power lines have gone up in flames somewhere close by. Or maybe they lit something else on fire? Not sure.

I'll guess I'll find out when I have to brave that circle of flames to go and get tortured (?) in the name of modern beauty.

Update: Laser Hair Removal: easy as all get-out. It feels like a few bug bites, and that ranges from mosquito (meh) to horsefly (fucking ouch) but it's all within that area of pain. Also, takes 10-15 minutes and you're done! I'll check back in once I'm halfway through the treatments (generally you need about 6) to let you know if it works!