I hate this feeling. That feeling where you know you just feel awful and worried but can't exactly put your finger on what's making you feel this way? (I also get excited sometimes and, when asked when I'm so happy, get really deflated realizing there is actually no good reason for me to be pleased as punch with everything.)
Anyway, so I just had that feeling and it turns out that I'm really doubting my ability to be a good teacher.
Maybe that sounds like not a big deal, but it kills me. I want so much to help students learn and actually get excited about what we talk about. I know not every kid is going to be pumped in every class, but you know what I mean.
My biggest issue is the fact that I loathe confrontation. I am a pale-skinned chicky of Irish descent, so believe me when I say that it is very clear when I am frustrated beyond reason. Redness creeps up my neck and settles all over my face until I'm magenta and sweating in irritation. Luckily I'm not quick to getting pissed off, but I like to avoid it regardless.
So today was the one day of the week I'm in the 8th grade learning center, where students work on homework/past due work/make up tests, etc. I only know the students from my one day a week with them and do not know any of their homework, projects, how they're doing in class, what they have or have not done, etc. So anyway, the woman that runs the center went into a side room with a student who came in to re-take a math test so I was supposed to help/babysit the 8 students remaining. We were fine at first, but it all kind of went to hell in a handbasket once a few of the students had finished all their homework and had nothing else to do.
The problem I have here is, if I don't know what they're doing in class, how do I effectively make students do work that may be due in a few weeks or something when I don't know what it is?
Anyway, so it ended up the other woman had to come out and yell at them and I felt like a huge jerk because I hadn't forced them to do the extra work but let them go on the computer and play on Google Earth once they had finished their daily homework.
This seems like such a small thing, but I honestly worry if I'm investing too much (time, money, my entire life) on a career path I don't know if I'm fit to be in.
Ugh. Help?
I used to be a middle school teacher before I got married. I think what you did is fine. You don't know what they should be working on. As you get to know them it may be different and you'll be able to help them with upcoming work. It's ok for them to have a little down time!
ReplyDeleteI think its normal to doubt yourself but I don't think its okay. I happen to think you are fabulous. You should go on over and read Riding the Roller Coaster. She just jumped back into the working world, as a teacher, and feels like she's lacking in skills too. You guys are both great.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.ridingtherollercoaster.com/
@Poekitten-thank you for the support! sometimes I really don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, so the doubt really creeps up on me...
ReplyDelete@Mrs. S-I checked out her blog-love it! I will definitely be following to see how she makes her way in this whole "education" thing.