Things I Learned From Netflix

This may become my weekly Sunday thing, as I am basically dating Netflix while the husband's away. We laugh, we cry, we love, we fight. Not only that, but Netflix knows the true colors of my heart. I can't lie to it. (Not if I actually plan on seeing movies I'm interested in seeing.) 

For those of you not familiar with all of its wonderousness, this is a slice from my home screen.

Based on the films I watch, it creates categories I appear to be interested in. 

Which has led me to some personal reflection.

Pre-Netflix, I enjoyed terrible, terrible films. You know, the big blockbuster that everyone talks about with the most beautiful people in it. I still enjoy these films, however, it appears I did not truly know myself. 

According to Netflix, I enjoy "Critically-acclaimed Emotional Documentaries", "Crime Comedies of the 1940s" and "Emotional British Period Piece Dramas." That list totally makes me sound like, all cool and art house-y, but let's keep in mind that my "Suggestions to Watch Instantly" are always cartoons. (Futurama, Family Guy, American Dad, and recently, She-Ra!)

Ok, so blah blah, personal revelation, blah blah, got it.

Now, the cool/weird things I have learned this week?

The 5 Things I Learned From Netflix

1. When a mother is breastfeeding her child, a chemical called oxytocin is released. This chemical creates an emotional connection, and is sometimes referred to as the  "bonding" chemical. The SAME chemical is released in both dogs and humans when we pet them. 

(So if you call your dog a furbaby-like me-it's basically dead on!)

(Decoding Dogs-Nova)

2. Steroid use has shown no long-term negative health effects in humans. In men, all effects are reversible. In women, the two effects that remain even after discontinued use are a deeper voice and...get ready to feel totally uncomfortable...enlarged lady parts (downstairs). 

(Bigger, Stronger, Faster)

3. Pre-1995, women in Fiji were seen as beautiful if they looked well-fed. In 1995, TV first came to the Fiji nation. Within THREE YEARS, 11% of young girls had developed bulimia.

(America the Beautiful)

4. Being a ballerina totally blows. 

(Ballerina and Etoiles)

5. French mothers will slap the crap out of you if you can't multiply. ("What is 2 x 6? Ughhh! If I slapped you 2 x 6 times, how many slaps would I give you?"-direct quote)

(To Be and To Have)

Respect

You know what? Today is an excellent day for shout-outs. At first I was just going to go with ladies of the laptop, but then the whole thing got away from me and I'm not totally sure what this thing is going to be about, really. 

Alright, then. (Rolls up sleeves.)

Let's do this thing.

Person I'd Most Like to Sit on A Porch With:

Mark Twain

The man was quoted as saying, "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society," as well as, "Alright, then, I'll go to hell." I would sit in a rocking chair across from him, blowing cigar smoke out of my face, and listen all night as he told me entertaining stories. (I also picture us enjoying cool glasses of Country Time Lemonade, but that's neither here nor there.)

Person Whose Closet I Would Most Like to Raid:

No Model Lady

This chick owns metallic gold leggings and makes them work. Seriously.

Person Whose Brain I Wish I Could Visit To See How it Functions:

Steam Me Up, Kid

You know, I don't really know how to describe this other than to say she is WILDLY inappropriate and makes me cry tears of laughter/confusion frequently. 

Person I'd Most Like to Party With:

President Andrew Jackson

This guy had the most kick-ass inauguration ever. Talk about epic. "At around dusk, servants struck upon the idea of passing barrels of liquor and ice cream out the window in order to the get the revelers out onto the lawn, where they could do less damage." Barrels of liquor and ice cream? Oh I am so there.

Person With Whom I Would Most Like to Discuss the Glory That Was the 80's:

nostomanic

To understand her brilliance, please see this Valentine's Day card she whipped up:

Person With Whom I Would Most Like to Discuss Business Strategies:

Kris Jenner (momager to the Kardashian clan)

How did she do it? The moment I realized just how much I respected her strategic business choices was the moment my dad told me to "Quiet down, out there!" because he was watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Person Who I Think Probably Gives Out Great 'Mom' Advice:

Sgt. and Mrs. Hub

This woman makes pies from scratch, home schools her children, wins awards and recognition for her amazing photography skills- basically, she's the person I want to be once I get my sh*t together.

Person I Have a Huge, Grammar-related Crush On:

Missed Periods and Other Grammar Scares

God, I wish I could punctuate with that kind of grace.

Person Whose Voice I Would Steal if Jesus Gave Me Special Powers Like That:

Adele

Person Who I Would Love to Craft With, Although I'd Be Mostly Watching Because I'm Useless:

Tidbits from the Tremaynes

She made this.

Ugh, she's so talented I'm throwing up. My handiwork is usually straight outta the redneck handbook. (Cabinet door falling apart? Duct tape! Damaged chair? Duct tape! Broken gun rack in the truck window? Duct tape!)

Most Stunning and Dynamic Actress of Our Time:

Cate Blanchett

I just...love her. You know?

Person Whom I Would Most Like to Adventure With for the Rest of Our Lives:

J

This is a picture from my birthday two years ago, only a few months after we had met. We were both living in Korea (me-teaching, him-deployed) and he had taken me to the club district in Seoul. We had gone out, had drinks, danced, and then walked barefoot to a convenience store where we found weird crackers and an ice cream/gummy-type cake. We got back to where we were staying, realized we did not have forks and spoons, and so we broke open the disposable toothbrushes they give you to scoop ourselves some damn candy-cake.

We were made for one another, truly.

All Dressed Up! (Or Down, Whatever)

I absolutely love this idea, so I am definitely getting on board with it! Since the husband's not home, I'm going to get myself pretty (and showered and put together somewhat) for the beautiful ladies of the blogging world!

Before I show my little item to kick off my entry into this wonderful blog-event, I have to address something.

I have developed a serious problem with shopping. The problem being, I'm doing too much of it and I secretly don't think of it as a problem at all but know that I should. You know?

Ok, so here's what I think is going on. My husband is deployed. I went back to live with my parents. I tried to slip back into my life pre-military marriage but that didn't really work out. Last time I lived here I was just out of college and still partying like a freshman. So...instead of making myself ridiculous at bars, I go shopping.

Want to come out with us?    No, but I think I'll buy motorcycle boots instead.

Let's take a weekend trip!     Um, thanks but I can't. I'm buying cardigans.

I'm not into the bar/club scene anymore and I've changed A LOT in the past two years. It's like trying to go back to senior year in high school and realizing you're just done with that phase.

So, I shop.

And shop.

And this is what has happened to my closet.

However, I AM a bargain hunter. (Just bought me some sweet wedge sandals for $12!) 

The real problem here? I'm hoarding them until J comes home. I didn't even realize I was doing that until sometime this week. That's right. I don't even WEAR anything that I buy. I have bags and boxes full of items that still have the tags on them, and I make do wearing the same 5 outfits every week. In fact, unless I'm at work, I'm generally wearing yoga pants, my husband's Alabama hoodie, and his flip-flops (several sizes too big.)

These give a pretty good idea about what the rest of me walks around looking like as well.

And yes, I wear that outfit everywhere. We're talking the grocery store, family events, dinners out. Everywhere. I look a mess, but I don't care. 

Because you know what I have in my closet? These.

(Ridiculously impractical stripper heels found here.)

I call them my "washing the dishes stripper heels". Will I ever wear them in public? Nope. But will I feel empowered and sexy as hell while scrubbing a pan? 

Yes. Yes I will. 

White Trash Gourmet

For dinner, I just had chicken wings and chocolate chip cookies. 

(Can you tell the husband is deployed?)

This is what  just happened when those two delicious food staples got together in my tummy:

I call them "chickookies". 

Let's Talk About Bitching.

I'll be your guide through this 7th circle of Hell.

I bitch a lot. It's true, I won't deny it. I don't do it purposely, but my way of coping with anything that has my feathers in a ruffle is to run, find someone who is preferably trapped alone with me (kitchen, garage, stall in a public restroom) and pour my melodramatic heart out. Once it's officially out there and, depending on its magnitude (or how many pitchers of wine I've thrown back) I had a pathetic cry, I'm good to go. It's cathartic for me.

For those who have known me for years and have been through this nonsense, typically it goes something like this:

Me: Bitch bitch, the WORLD is ENDING! Bitch bitch bitch, are you even listening? Do you EVEN CARE ABOUT WHAT I'M TELLING YOU?!?

Them: Well what about this [insert logical explanation/choice]? That won't work? How about this one? You'll get through this!

Me: WHAT?!? Bitch bitch psychotic babbling (dramatic hand motions)

Them: Ooookay (getting frustrated) I'm sure everything will be fine.

Me: No! It won't be fine! I'm so overwhelmed I just...my heart, the stress...(clutches chest and gasps for air).

[Dies.]

End scene.


My husband is still getting used to these antics. Every time I start spinning into a a  meltdown, I can tell he starts panicking. Unfortunately, I'm so warped with my own sense of urgency I can't throw him a frickin' bone and the poor guy has to try and fight, tooth and nail, to escape the black hole in Hades in which he finds himself.

However, today, that man found the Emergency Escape Route I Never Knew I Had.

Me: Bitch bitch, TOTALLY FREAKING OUT, bitching.

Him: Maybe logic? Listening? Over the top compliments?

Me: NOO! ROOOOAbitchAAARRRR!!

Him: Hey, honey? I just sent you a link. Click on it for a second.

Me: Grrr...fine....

[Playing Puppy Video aka My Personal Heaven and Birthday Wish X 1000]

Him: Honey?

Me: Eeeeee! I love them! Look at all the little fur with their little baby feet...and

Him: (wipes forehead, sends up a quick thank-you to Jesus)

Truly, my husband is a miracle sent down to save all of you from the Heinous Bitch I Could Have Been (and Sometimes Am When Talking to Verizon's Customer Service).