Thursday, January 6, 2011


I am addicted to certifications.

Seriously, I love them. This is a little bit ridiculous, but I just think it's fun to have a little certificate that says, "Hey, guys, guys- I've got this."

High school is really when I think my passion began; grades just weren't enough, and I had to have my fix. Really, a report card is just a gateway drug. I decided, you know what? I am gonna take a bartending class that maybe I could use once I'm in college. I signed up (frickin' $300) and attended the course, which taught me pretty much nothing and the instructor put on "Cocktails" starring Tom Cruise. Yes, it was that useless.

But you know what? At the end, I got a certificate from Harvard (the class took place on their campus, if you can believe it) claiming that I am a certified "Master of Mixology". HA!

And so the love affair began. Did I ever use that certificate? No, I never tended bar (well, I've gotten behind the bar and made drinks before getting kicked out of several establishments, but that's neither here nor there.) I do, however, have it framed and have decided that one day, when I have a pretentious study, it will be in the most eye-catching and distracting place I can find.

It will have to compete with some of my other ones. For example, I could marry you. Or baptise you. Or whatever you're into, religiously. Because (drum roll please) I am a mother f*cking minister. Bwa haha hah hahaha ha. Oh Lord, seriously people. Seriously.

My latest one that I am totally pumped about? AACCA Safety Certified as of 20 minutes ago!

AACCA= American Association of Cheerleading Coaches and Administrators

I was captain in high school and loved the athletics of it as much as I hated the drama and, frankly, my co-captain. Point being, when I worked at the school in Oklahoma last year, they were PSYCHED that I had any experience so that, when I filled in for the coach/English teacher, I could actually coach without killing somebody. I'm hoping this certification will help me on the 'ol resume.

If not, I'll toss around my ministry one.

(And if that doesn't work: who wants drinks?)


  1. hahahahah I love this post! My husband's friend is a certified minister as well! hilarious!

  2. How fun! What's next on the list? It's going to be hard to top the ones you already have!

  3. Hmmm...I was thinking about becoming a yoga instructor, although I've been to maybe a handful of classes in my entire life.

    Or maybe a public notary?

    Decisions, decisions.